~LiFe’S bReAtH~

Ahh… The dreariness returns. Yes, "back to school" once more after an absolutely stingy ten day holiday!! Smelly Kementerian…. Back to those impending exam scores… The lovely faces of the teachers, ready to mug me of my happiness… Darn it. And somewhere at the back of my mind, a vague and oh-so-distinct memory of an add maths project i haven’t even bothered to touch. Ha. Ha. Ha. I’m so enthusiastic about going back to school it makes me sick.

Today, as i spent yet another wholly uneducational, unbeneficial, unfulfilling day sitting in front of the comp playing minesweeper, the weirdest and most impossibly ironic thought struck me. It was so so unexpected yet obvious that i think i rolled my eyes at myself and said "Du-Uh!!" The thought was: Oh my gosh…(horror) I’m sixteen!! Its stupid i know. But y’noe, i’ve been DREAMING, WISHING to be this age and all of a sudden i’m here i realize that, well… Its not that big a deal. (i can imagine the me of the now telling a 6 year old me that. The six year old me will be saying "Sure, thats what u say… When I get ur age, i’ll savour every breath, experience…Live everything like i’ll never live again…!!!"…cos thats what i used to think. Not in those words la stupid!! If i had a vocab like that at six, i’ll be a child prodigy by now…)  I wander off point AGAIN. Anyway, i just think that, its not that this year wasn’t fabulous… it was… Just that i don’t see it. I will…one day…when i’m say, 60, toothless and wrinkled. Then everything will hit me so hard i’ll fall off my rocking chair, grip my grandchild’s hand and go, "Grandma had a good time when i was ur age…" (Pink, gummy smile…)

Shudder.

To tell the truth, i don’t want to live till 60. It scares me.

I suddenly thought of my mama. (Thats my grandmother) I love her a lot, tho her favourite will always be my bro cos he’s the eldest son of her eldest son and yeah, if ur chinese, u get it. But that doesn’t mean she treats the rest of us badly. She’s a really cute old lady. I remember how she told us that yeye (grandpa) tricked her into marrying him… It was funny the way she told it. I love her a lot a lot. And i’m so afraid to lose her. I haven’t actually lost anyone due to death before…i don’t know how to cope if ever i shd encounter such an incident. I get nightmares sometimes, thats how i paranoid i am. The most i experienced was when David’s mom passed away. I didn’t know her but i seeing how much grief he went through frightens me beyond compare.

CHOI!!! This is such a morbid subject!! Why am i talking about this again??

Its all the school’s fault for reopenenig again…

GROAN…. And PMT day!!! Oh how adequately named!! Not pre-mentrual tension la, but close enuf…Parents meet teachers day!! Aka, report card day… Oh fish.

Let me go lament…

Leave me alone.

All is DOOMED!!!

DOOOOOMED I TELL YOU!!!

Aw, nuts.

-out-

Wow. I absolutely feel like my life is spinning at this terrying pace. Out of control. Its just a feeling i guess. But i feel tired…yeah, so tired.

Do u ever feel like u really want to give up cos its so hard to carry on? Holding on by the very tips of ur nails n hurting so bad. Well thats what i feel now. N yet if i give up, i know that thats it. I will never forgive myself, n i’ll never live this thru. Its as if i’m going through all this alone! I can’t get anyone to understand me… N to be honest, i feel a lil bit like God’s not there coz the road i’m taking now isn’t what He wants for me. If thats the case, i wish I’d hear Him tell me so. I’d really like a confirmation. Problem is, would i be willing to let go if He says no? I don’t think i can answer that.

I want so much more than this!!!

Went out with Sarah and Darren today to Sg. Wang. Spent most of our time in Darren’s car coz of the infuriating jam. He has a really sweet ride btw…but not sweet enuf to make me wanna stay in there for an hour plus! It was crazy!! We were stuck on the same smelly road for almost half an hour wei! I was so pissed. I hate waiting!! At one point Darren freaked me out by suddenly taking his seat belt off and said, "Sarah, u can drive rite? I need to go to the bathroom." And he just opened the door and walked of!! For God’s sake i was scared!! We were at a crossroad!! Luckily the toilet he went to was being serviced… So we had to stop elsewhere…n his zipper kept coming down… Don’t ask… Then thanks to the jam, Sarah got her mom mad, i got my friend mad and Darren got his friend mad cos he was supposed to meet up with them. I hate jams. N Darren, I don’t ever want to go into ur car again…speeding…braking…swerving…barf.

But i had a good time i guess. Short lived but fun. We crapped SO MUCH!! N i think i got insulted abt ten thousand times (who else…) but oh well… N Timothy came along after that. He seems more…umm, can’t find the word to describe him. Oh, n the COOLEST thing abt Tim is his cina- opera eyebrows!!! They’re curled like crazy at the ends. Talk about an eye opener…=p N Sarah got blinder. She has the WORST accuracy n eye-sight!! (Right or not munggan??) Simply poke ppl… -0-" N u shd see the PESS girls gawking when Darren picked me from school. Silly humans. Its just DARREN. N obviously he was oblivious to it all. (If it was Monkey, he’d probably swear the Ah Po across the road had the hots for him. -0-”) Darren is weird. I mean really weird.But fun.

N thats abt it la.

I’m really tired.

Zzz…

I hardly surf the web. (Honestly, other than blog and check my mail, i don’t do anything else) So the other day i decided to step out of the norm a little and checked out some christian websites and forums. Some absolutely stunned me.

One forum involved a person who called himself Fallen Angel. He said that he didn’t see what the big deal was abt us christians ‘nitpicking and harrasssing’ homosexuals. (His exact words) He grew up in a christian community, went to church and yet feels that being called a christian is "insulting". He only believes the ‘main fundamentals’ of being a christian. Huh?

Actually there’s quite a lot he said but i’m saving it for my article. =)

Post it for u ppl later la…

Well, besides that my brother came across another website where one guy actually asked what was the christian standpoint on sex before marriage. I think i nearly ripped my hair out when some funny monkey told him it was"ok as long as u love each other. Cos being a christian is abt loving one another and blah blah blah…" SHRIEK!!! What is going on??

"Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery." -Hebrews 3:4

"Our bodies were not made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord and the Lord cares about our bodies… Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don’t you know that ur body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you and was given to u by God?…" 1Corinthians 6:13,18-20.

The bible however does NOT in anyway say that sex is dirty or disgusting or whatever. In fact if u read songs of song 7:1-9 u find that umm…read it urself.

As for homosexuality,

"…That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relationships with women burned with lust for each other. As a result, suffered within themselves the penalty they so richly deserved." Roman 1: 26,27.

I know this part sounds a lil strong but u need to read the whole thing b4 u understand it. It does not say that homosexuality is fine because it is not.

But that does not go to say that Christians should condemn homosexuals or ppl who have sex before marriage. Like i said before, we have absolutely NO RIGHT to judge. We do not reject the person but the sin itself.

So why am i so indignant abt this? Its because i hate ppl getting misled especially abt what God says. It is so important. N worse yet, non-believers are getting the wrong information, wrong idea abt Christ.

I know i sound a lil harsh in here. But i really needed to voice this out.

Fingers clattered slowly across the keyboard as letter after letter appeared on the screen, only to be deleted five minutes later. Dull eyes stared blankly. Sadly. So futile it seemed. Another few hours here, only to choke up another lousy piece of paper with mere words. Mere words. Rising dissatisfaction. Frustration. Grips the heart. As deadly as hopelessness. The writer cries out, for Meaning. Empty clatter of fingers against the keyboard. The blank document. Published only for a deadline. The idiocy!

….yep, the retarded-ness. And yet, this is how i feel everytime it comes to writing an article for the Youth Wave! Oh, how i lament!!! I am yet to be satisfied by what i have written because it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!

Joshua’s initial dream of the Youth Wave was that it would be a corner where the youth would VOICE OUT! And I am carrying on this legacy by how? Writing aargh….!!! You should know better if you’ve been reading the Youth Wave. That is, if you have. Sigh. Truth is, i am so truly ashamed that i’m not doing well in this. And as much as i hate to admit this, i feel like i’m not suited to be in charge. I really loved what Joshua had been doing with it before he left. It was exciting! It made u want MORE!! It was the first thing i turned to the moment i got hold of the VOH!! It was touching! Informative! It was The Youth Wave!!

When i first joined the team, i had hoped to be taught. Yes, mentored! Sigh. No chance of that. You know, i really feel incapable of this post because i don’t think i’m doing a good job. And i hate, i hate, i hate moping! I want to do something about this! But what??!!

Options:

1. I quit.

2. I step down and Adeline takes up my job.

3. I try harder eventhough i have no idea how to.

You know, if this were a moral exam, EVERYONE is going to pick no. 3. But in real life? Frustration is driving me nuts. I keep beating myself down. But i really don’t feel like giving up for Heaven’s sake!! Maybe its pride. Or that its just not right to quit after not doing a good job. Adeline can do better. There is no doubt. She’s older, has better writing skills, more maturity and probably possesses that DEPTH that i so long for. Very probably.

AND YET….!!! Ooh, shennanigan!! i really don’t want to give up.

Why? Because…because i just might be able to save this! Because the Youth Wave is something i feel very strongly about! If i hv to spend longer time in front of the comp, then…then maybe i will. I have to try…

This is now a plea for help.

I need comments, feedback, anything!

I need topics and ideas for the coming articles, what u want to know, how i should improve, everything!

If i don’t get comments, i’m resigning! (Yes, i’m threatening u!!)

Move it!

Eyes

Killing aready hopeless silence.

Distance

Is a breath away.

Time plays

This silly masquerade.

Longing

Pierces the soul.

Insecurity

Cries out against

The faith I have

In you.

We are not,

what we are;

What we are,

we are not.

Fear

Binds us

From each other.

Too far

Beside you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Its kinda abstract, yet not really. Its simple like most of what i write.

What do u think is behind this poem? =)

Its so fleh-de-bleh-bleh (I’m such a genius at adjectives…) But me likey!! Duh… I wrote it!! Hehe…

Feedback!!! NOW!! I’m NOT kidding!!

I quote from The Star: "…The students featured in her first book were born in the early 1980s, and they prized their virginity and worried that too much sex was harmful."

Now in this article, like so many others, stressed that there is simply not enough sex education among teens. But is it just me or does that sentence there make people who ‘prize their virginity’ sound like its something bad? Is it bad? Does staying pure make a person a muff? (I dunno what a muff is but it more or less points to the direction of ‘lame’, ‘outdated’, ‘lousy’…u get the idea….)

Heck, no.

First of all, if ur ever afraid of being called a muff, fear not. Being a muff, is GREAT. In 15 mins u can become like so many others out there but try as they might, they’ll never be able to step thru the doors of The Muff Club. =)

I love being a muff and yes, i’m proud of my virginity.

A lil too proud maybe.

When my best friend first came to me and told me she’d done it, my first thought was "That sick !!!??!! did that to u??". (I was smart enough not to say that out la…duh.) Then the second thought popped up as fast as the first question. "WHY???" Her reply? "I really loved him." I was so tempted to ask whether HE loved her too. Thankfully i held my tongue again. Let bygones be bygones.

That incident shook me up. A LOT. Why? Because in my oh-so-naive mind i’d always imagined ppl who "did it" were the sick perverted kind. Not the likes of my sweet friend. Maybe…secretly, i had looked down on them.

And i was torn.

My best friend had done it with the idiot she’s dating.

Oh, i promise u… i glared at him in the canteen, in the hallway, near the toilets…everywhere i saw him!! As long as my buddy wasn’t there of course. If she was there too, i just made sure he was the invisible man. Ignore ignore ignore…(Not like he bothered with me anyway…)

Then things took a even stranger twist.

And now maybe i understand more.

Staying pure till marriage is still important. But to look down on those who slipped up along the way is just dumb. To err is human, to forget divine ( I love this line!!!). Besides, who are we to judge? If there is anything to be judge, let it be ourselves.

If ur a muff, keep it up!! Ur muff-ness is special!

For non-muffs, fear not. I was thinking of coming up witha Foof Club. =) Wanna join?

Hahahaha…what i’m saying is, prizing virginty is NOT something that should be seen as stupid or ignorant. Because virginity is a gift. Save it.

Well so long then Muffs, Foofs and ugh, the boring ole’ Married Ones.

=p Tata.

PS: Can Guys be called virgins? Cos a friend once said "Hey, I’m still a virgin u know!" and i’m like, HUH?? So gay… =)