God, we need to talk!
"Oh Lord… This year has been so miserable. So rotten. So sad…" that was how my tearful prayer began on watch night service. (Pathetic init. Haha…but ah well, we all love playing the sob story sometimes.)
You received a lot of blessings too, didnt you, came God’s reply.
"Yeahh…but it was still hard… I had such a difficult time," I groaned, not letting up. (Self pity can be so nice to dwell in…) I was hoping for God to say something like: Poor you. Okay, more blessings for u in 2008!
FAT CHANCE.
God gave me an answer alright. It was not what i wanted to hear. Give more to Me.
"…….God, you cant be serious! Give more?? I gave up so much already this year! Cant you see i’m dying?? How to give more? I have nothing more!"
I gave everything for you, I died for you.
Oh great. I pouted, "Playing the ‘I sent Jesus to die on the cross’ card again. Thats not fair! I’m HUMAN! I’m not perfect……"
Oh, playing the ‘I’m human and imperfect card’ again, Joann?
I sulked. This was ridiculous. Arguing with God….did i actually hope to win??
Why do i set rules and ask you to sometimes take seemingly impossible steps?
I knew the answer to this one. I sighed slowly, "Because You know whats best for me and because You love me…. But it really isnt easy…! The grief, the fear that grips me is intensely real! It does hurt and i really want to know when it ends! Please God… When?"
Set your eyes on Me.
My heart shattered. It was another way of saying: Not yet, not now. It was not what i wanted to hear. I was hurt.
Do you remember what your motto was when you began 2007?
"My drive: To glorify You," I recalled what i had decided at the beginnig of 2007. And in a way, i realised i had kinda accomplished that. And in that moment, in spite of the struggles, i felt that i had won. A little bit anyway.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Umm umm umm. Well, and on that note, i kick off into 2008. I know, its not much joy and merry making. In fact its rather melancholy but aww heck. I guess i just need to fix my eyes on Him and hope for the best…no, and KNOW that i’ll get the best.
I wish my faith would stop going up and down and up and down again… Stay up stay up darn it!! XD
This year hasnt started very nicely AT ALL. 2007 ENDED nicely though. I had a big fight with with one of my close friends. I’m still sulking that some people can be so overly dramatic and unrational. God is still berating me about my bull-headedness, insensitivity and quick temper in the whole affair. Ah well…. Guilty! I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships. I think using the phrase: We’re best friends or You’re my best friend on me always brings about some kind of downfall in the relationship. Thats why i’ve refrained from using such words since form 3. Well, it happened again. WHAT LA……
Mel is still like my buddy till now. Probably cos she aint a friend. She my cousin. And that makes me so relieved. Blood is thicker than water. I hope things clear up though.
Anyway, wa. I’ve been rambling like an idiot. Thats all for now lo.
Bye!
January 3rd, 2008 at 7:52 am
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
XD give more to him.